I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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