i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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