just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
