Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
