I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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