there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
