ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
