I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
