How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I will pee on everything he values.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
