Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
