I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
