I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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