I think scott just propositioned me for sex
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
