Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
