I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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