she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
