THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I wish you could order shots online.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
