Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
