That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
