I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
