Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
And then my night got REAL pukey
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
