I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
