Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
