Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
