took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
