I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
