I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
