Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
