How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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