I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
