I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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