i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
