if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I should be sponsored by Trojan
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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