time to smoke my breakfast
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
