Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
