Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I FOUND THE LEGS
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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