my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
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