Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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