An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
