The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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