WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
