New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
