mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
