I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
