well I can't set my house on fire every night
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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