Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
