Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
