There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
