im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
