Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
