i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
