I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
