she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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